If Biblical Characters Wrote Pop Songs

“Ah, music! A magic beyond all we do here!”

J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (1997)

 

I wonder, do DJs usually wear ties?

Some time ago, I read a Harry Potter-themed joke book called Harry Pottiness.¹ It contained numerous chortle-worthy witticisms ranging from instances of the traditional question-and-answer format like “What’s it called when Fawkes phones up for a takeaway? The Order of the Phoenix”; to suggested additional titles like Harry Potterer and the Uneventful Term, Hurry Potter and the Busy Term, and Harriet Potter and the Surprising Transformation; to an imagined music chart of wizarding-world hits like ‘Dancing In The Moonlight’ by Professor Lupin, ‘Cry Me A River’ by Moaning Myrtle, and my absolute favourite, ‘Can’t Get You Out Of My Head’ by Professor Quirrell.

This last type seems to me rather a fun game. All other lyrics and the song’s original artist are totally irrelevant: it’s simply a case of assigning real song titles to humorously appropriate characters. So I decided to take up my other favourite book – perhaps you’ve heard of it; it’s called the Bible and has an extremely large pool of characters to draw from – and the current UK singles chart,² and see what I could come up with. So far, I’ve managed to think of halfway-decent artists, some a tad more tenuous than others, for twelve of the titles in the Top 40. Precise if not exhaustive Biblical references are included for context, and in some cases I’ve added a bit of commentary on what I think the imagined song might have been like.

1. ‘One Dance’ by Herodias’ Daughter – Mark 6:22

Winner of the prestigious Head On A Platter award.

2. ‘This Girl’ by King Xerxes – Esther 2:17-18

6. ‘Tears’ by Jeremiah – Lamentations³

7. ‘i hate u, i love u’ by Balak feat. Balaam – Numbers 22:4-6, 23:7-12

The original title of this song was simply ‘i hate u’, but when featured artist Balaam recorded his verse, he changed the given lyrics quite significantly, prompting Balak’s record label to compel him to release the track under its current title.

10. ‘No Money’ by The Widow feat. Elisha – 2 Kings 4:1-7

A bold new cover of the hit single by The Widow of Zarephath feat. Elijah (1 Kings 17:7-16).

11. ‘Sex’ by Adam & Eve – Genesis 2:15-24

The second single from Adam & Eve’s upcoming EP How We Spend Our Time, this track is so far proving rather more popular than their debut single ‘Horticulture’.

16. ‘Dancing On My Own’ by King David – 2 Samuel 6:14

This song has a controversial music video in which the artist appears rather scantily dressed. Convention would, of course, dictate that only his female backing dancers should be scantily dressed.

17. ‘Hotter Than Hell’ by The Fiery Furnace – Daniel 3:19-22

28. ‘Just Like Fire’ by The Disciples – Acts 2:3

Although The Disciples have been through some turbulent times recently, and have had to replace one of their line-up, this track looks as if it might well be this year’s Pentecost number one, and sets a promising tone for the band’s upcoming album. A multi-lingual version is also available.

29. ‘Hair’ by Samson – Judges 16:17-22

30. ‘Hymn For The Weekend’ by Moses – Exodus 31:12-17

32. ‘7 Years’ by Jacob feat. Rachel – Genesis 29:16-30

This is a re-release of a track which originally featured Leah. Rumour has it that it was Rachel that Jacob really wanted to feature in the first place, but that Laban Records, the label responsible for both Leah and Rachel, somehow tricked him into including Leah in the initial version.

So there you have the extent of my Bible-and-singles-chart-based wit. If any of you, my lovely readers, can come up with good suggestions for any of the rest of the Top 40 – or equally, anything particularly hilarious that strays outside it – I would be delighted to hear it. Likewise if you can better my suggestions above. As much as I hope I have provided a minute or two of mildly amusing diversion during your day, I think I’d be even more pleased if you were unimpressed by my individual ideas above, but accepted the premise of the match-song-title-to-character game as a whole, because I feel sure there must be some utterly hilarious possibilities out there that would nevertheless require someone other than myself to dream them up.

Footnotes

¹ If you fancy a read, preowned copies are available on Amazon for literally a penny: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Harry-Pottiness-Totally-Unofficial-Muggle/dp/0141318473/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1466898554&sr=8-1&keywords=harry+pottiness.

² As according to Radio 1: http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/chart/singles.

³ Because Jeremiah wrote the book of Lamentations following the destruction of Jerusalem by the Babylonians, and is therefore known as the Weeping Prophet. In case you didn’t know.

In Praise of the Action-Comedy Genre

“He knows no fear. He knows no danger. He knows nothing.”

[tagline for] Johnny English (2003)

 

This is apparently the best my stock-photo sources have to offer in the way of a nice action-conveying explosion. Maybe it was a comedically anticlimactic one.

The action comedy is probably, in my opinion, the ideal film.

I say this because it’s a genre that has the capacity to please everyone – a rare quality. There are people who will automatically hate a romcom, for instance, or a musical, or a horror, completely regardless of how masterful a piece of filmmaking this particular example may be, simply by virtue of its genre. I personally have a distinct dislike for horror films, but I have friends who really enjoy them. Likewise, I love a good musical, but I know other people who wouldn’t go near one with a bargepole. Action comedy, on the other hand, is an easy answer to the question of what to watch of an evening when everyone in the room has differing tastes; it has something for all of them.

First off, it’s funny, and surely nobody hates things that are funny. Equally, however, it avoids the insubstantiality of a pure comedy by placing its characters in genuinely threatening situations: there is real concern for them, real plot; we the viewers are kept guessing. There’s the odd high-octane chase or fight for those who like that sort of thing, but always interspersed with jokes that prevent it from dragging on into tedium. There is room for profound emotional punch and hysterical laughter within mere minutes of screentime; one can be genuinely fascinated by the storyline even while finding large parts of it hilariously implausible. Action comedy doesn’t take effort to watch in the way more serious genres sometimes do – there’s no requirement to be in a particular mood in order to appreciate it – but there’s still a kind of investment involved, a caring about the characters and their stories that puts one through as satisfying an emotional rollercoaster as could be reasonably expected in most other genres. It’s a rollicking good time on all counts, and what else, after all, is the point of watching films?

So that’s why I’m such a huge fan of the genre. I now offer a list of my favourite examples of it, starting with what I would consider the top five action-comedy films I have seen:

5) Ant-Man (2015)

I was sceptical, to say the least, when I initially saw the trailer for this.¹ Was it setting itself up as a serious component of the MCU, or just a fizzy, fluffy something to laugh at in between Avengers instalments? The content of the trailer seemed to imply the former, the sheer silliness of the concept the latter, and I feared Marvel might have seriously missed the mark. Having now seen the film itself, I can confirm that my fear was unwarranted. Ant-Man is well aware of exactly how daft a film it is, how ludicrous its key elements of super-shrinking and ant telepathy, but it invites you to invest in it anyway: roll with the patent silliness, it says, and I’ll make it worth your while. At its heart, it’s basically a heist film, but my favourite aspect is the shrinking itself. There’s a whole new level of fun to be had here: the most everyday situations acquire a sudden, incongruous terror, while the fight scenes become among the most visually engaging I’ve ever seen; a particularly memorable fight takes place on a train set. All in all, it’s extremely good fun.²

4) Miss Congeniality (2000)

Our hero Gracie Hart, superbly played by Sandra Bullock, is a tough and capable but totally inelegant FBI agent thrust right out of her comfort zone when she is required to go undercover as a contestant in a nationwide beauty pageant. Miss Congeniality strikes the perfect balance between chick flick and spy film, as well as making no small contribution to the debate over what it actually looks like for women to be liberated. An absolute classic.³

3) Johnny English (2003)

This surely has to be the ultimate spy spoof. Rowan Atkinson is an absolute treat in the lead role, in which he marries the utter incompetence of Mr Bean with the smart-talking self-assuredness of Blackadder. While, to great comic effect, Johnny English gets wrong more than one would think it were possible to get wrong, he also has a genuine desire to be a good, proper, old-school spy, and to do his duty come hell or high water; the combination lends him a most endearing charm. And, of course, though he may be the worst spy ever, he turns out, in an odd sort of way, to be the best one, as the only one with any inkling of what the bad guy is up to – but mostly he just makes one hilarious mistake after another.⁴

2) Hot Fuzz (2007)

Some people rave about Shaun of the Dead, but, as far as I’m concerned, Hot Fuzz is easily the best of the Blood and Ice Cream Trilogy. Though I’d happily do without the wanton excess of violence and swearing,⁵ the actual plot is so brilliant that I nevertheless have no reluctance placing it in my top five. The key to this film is its incongruity: our hero Police Constable Nicholas Angel is anomalous in his new location of Sandford, Gloucestershire, the safest village in the country, for his Metropolitan-Police outlook, but then it turns out that far more sinister things are going on in Sandford than he’d ever dealt with in London. Virtually every line of this film sparkles with wit in one way or another, and Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are at their bromantic best.⁶

1) The Man Who Knew Too Little (1997)

My older sister and I happened upon this seemingly little-known film while scouring the Internet for recommended examples of the action-comedy genre, and I am so very glad we did. The premise is that protagonist Wallace Ritchie, intending to take part in an audience-participation theatre event, accidentally answers the wrong phone call and ends up embroiled in a real bomb plot – believing all the while that everything happening around him is simply part of the act. There ensues a series of ludicrous coincidences whereby Wallace ends up conquering every obstacle thrown in his way, and indeed saving the day, with nobody any the wiser about his real identity. I think I’d have to call this genuinely one of my favourite films; I recommend it heartily.⁷

I’ll follow that lot with a few highly commended runners-up:

Spy (2015)

It was only this week that I finally got round to seeing this, after having had the intention to since I first saw the trailer, which bemused me for the reason that it drew absolutely no attention to the fact that the brilliant Miranda Hart plays a pretty significant role. She and lead actress Melissa McCarthy both do an excellent job, although Jason Statham’s super-intense character is certainly a highlight too.⁸

Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)

Although I felt as if this film was aimed at people with a slightly different idea to me of what is humorous or exciting – I was not overly enthralled, for instance, by the bit where everyone’s heads explode – it still gets a lot of things right. There is great appeal in the sheer gentlemanliness of the Kingsman organisation; protagonist Eggsy’s character development, under the wing of a mentor delightfully played by Colin Firth, is a joy to behold; and Samuel L. Jackson’s villain Valentine manages to be amusing and alarming in equal measure.⁹

The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (2015)

An American spy and a Russian one are forced to work together at the height of the Cold War; what could possibly go wrong? The way those two spark off one another is great fun to watch, and there’s also a clever and engaging plot that keeps you nicely on your toes. The gorgeous sixties outfits and soundtrack are an added bonus too.¹⁰

If, O Film-Appreciating Reader, you have any further recommendations, do of course feel free to pop them in the comments box below.

Footnotes

¹ The trailer in question was this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEVE3KSKQ0o. See if you know what I mean.

² The following scene should give you a taste: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5FYeciGgaA.

³ Again, a short clip to give you a flavour: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEBLrCGhTVM.

⁴ In this scene, Johnny’s fondness for old-school espionage lands him in potential trouble, as usual: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZO9BK4X_38s.

⁵ Do please ask if you’d like a guide to the adult content of any of the films I mention in this post.

⁶ This early scene notoriously contains more famous actors than most of the rest of the film put together: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faMh6OYfuNE.

⁷ This is the bit where Wallace believes the show begins. In actual fact, he’s just getting mugged: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZp2VueBY8Y.

⁸ This clip provides a most amusing example of said super-intensity: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ouie3peYaTg. I should, by the way, point out that one manifestation of this super-intensity is the frequent, gratuitous use of strong language. Sigh.

⁹ Kingsman… is also a pleasingly meta film, as shown in this clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JouGOzga27U.

¹⁰ And the final quick for-a-flavour clip of the post: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtcIfm6Mxdg.