If Biblical Characters Wrote Pop Songs

“Ah, music! A magic beyond all we do here!”

J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (1997)

 

I wonder, do DJs usually wear ties?

Some time ago, I read a Harry Potter-themed joke book called Harry Pottiness.¹ It contained numerous chortle-worthy witticisms ranging from instances of the traditional question-and-answer format like “What’s it called when Fawkes phones up for a takeaway? The Order of the Phoenix”; to suggested additional titles like Harry Potterer and the Uneventful Term, Hurry Potter and the Busy Term, and Harriet Potter and the Surprising Transformation; to an imagined music chart of wizarding-world hits like ‘Dancing In The Moonlight’ by Professor Lupin, ‘Cry Me A River’ by Moaning Myrtle, and my absolute favourite, ‘Can’t Get You Out Of My Head’ by Professor Quirrell.

This last type seems to me rather a fun game. All other lyrics and the song’s original artist are totally irrelevant: it’s simply a case of assigning real song titles to humorously appropriate characters. So I decided to take up my other favourite book – perhaps you’ve heard of it; it’s called the Bible and has an extremely large pool of characters to draw from – and the current UK singles chart,² and see what I could come up with. So far, I’ve managed to think of halfway-decent artists, some a tad more tenuous than others, for twelve of the titles in the Top 40. Precise if not exhaustive Biblical references are included for context, and in some cases I’ve added a bit of commentary on what I think the imagined song might have been like.

1. ‘One Dance’ by Herodias’ Daughter – Mark 6:22

Winner of the prestigious Head On A Platter award.

2. ‘This Girl’ by King Xerxes – Esther 2:17-18

6. ‘Tears’ by Jeremiah – Lamentations³

7. ‘i hate u, i love u’ by Balak feat. Balaam – Numbers 22:4-6, 23:7-12

The original title of this song was simply ‘i hate u’, but when featured artist Balaam recorded his verse, he changed the given lyrics quite significantly, prompting Balak’s record label to compel him to release the track under its current title.

10. ‘No Money’ by The Widow feat. Elisha – 2 Kings 4:1-7

A bold new cover of the hit single by The Widow of Zarephath feat. Elijah (1 Kings 17:7-16).

11. ‘Sex’ by Adam & Eve – Genesis 2:15-24

The second single from Adam & Eve’s upcoming EP How We Spend Our Time, this track is so far proving rather more popular than their debut single ‘Horticulture’.

16. ‘Dancing On My Own’ by King David – 2 Samuel 6:14

This song has a controversial music video in which the artist appears rather scantily dressed. Convention would, of course, dictate that only his female backing dancers should be scantily dressed.

17. ‘Hotter Than Hell’ by The Fiery Furnace – Daniel 3:19-22

28. ‘Just Like Fire’ by The Disciples – Acts 2:3

Although The Disciples have been through some turbulent times recently, and have had to replace one of their line-up, this track looks as if it might well be this year’s Pentecost number one, and sets a promising tone for the band’s upcoming album. A multi-lingual version is also available.

29. ‘Hair’ by Samson – Judges 16:17-22

30. ‘Hymn For The Weekend’ by Moses – Exodus 31:12-17

32. ‘7 Years’ by Jacob feat. Rachel – Genesis 29:16-30

This is a re-release of a track which originally featured Leah. Rumour has it that it was Rachel that Jacob really wanted to feature in the first place, but that Laban Records, the label responsible for both Leah and Rachel, somehow tricked him into including Leah in the initial version.

So there you have the extent of my Bible-and-singles-chart-based wit. If any of you, my lovely readers, can come up with good suggestions for any of the rest of the Top 40 – or equally, anything particularly hilarious that strays outside it – I would be delighted to hear it. Likewise if you can better my suggestions above. As much as I hope I have provided a minute or two of mildly amusing diversion during your day, I think I’d be even more pleased if you were unimpressed by my individual ideas above, but accepted the premise of the match-song-title-to-character game as a whole, because I feel sure there must be some utterly hilarious possibilities out there that would nevertheless require someone other than myself to dream them up.

Footnotes

¹ If you fancy a read, preowned copies are available on Amazon for literally a penny: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Harry-Pottiness-Totally-Unofficial-Muggle/dp/0141318473/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1466898554&sr=8-1&keywords=harry+pottiness.

² As according to Radio 1: http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/chart/singles.

³ Because Jeremiah wrote the book of Lamentations following the destruction of Jerusalem by the Babylonians, and is therefore known as the Weeping Prophet. In case you didn’t know.