The Man for the Job

Blackadder:    Anyway, we are looking for a great entertainer and you’re the worst entertainer since St. Paul the Evangelist toured Palestine with his trampoline act. Nah, we have to find somebody else.

George:           What about Corporal Cartwright, sir?

Blackadder:    Corporal Cartwright looks like an orangutan. I’ve heard of the Bearded Lady, but the All Over Body Hair Lady simply isn’t on.

George:           Willis?

Blackadder:    Too short.

George:           Petheridge?

Blackadder:    Too old.

George:           Taplowe?

Blackadder:    Too dead. Ah, this is hopeless. There just isn’t anyone!

Blackadder Goes Forth E3, ‘Major Star’ (1989)

The inspiration for the following little sketch thingummy is owed to an article recently posted on the Memes for Jesus website;¹ I offer my gratitude to its anonymous author.

 

I suspect that Sira Anamwong at freedigitalphotos.net intended this picture for use in corporate presentations about actual recruitment, but it will do just as well as a cover image for this blog post.

“You wanted to see me, sir?”

“Ah yes, Blenkinsopp, do sit down. I was hoping to review the applications for that preaching job; have you managed to gather much intel on the candidates?”

“Ah … as a matter of fact, sir, I have.”

“Good show. Right, let’s kick off with this Moses character … what do you reckon?”

“Well, frankly, sir, I have a strong suspicion that he was bullied into applying for the job in the first place. He insists that he’s a terrible speaker and at one point actually begs us to choose another candidate.”

“A modest chap, then?”

“Either he’s more modest than anyone else on the face of the planet, or he’s simply telling the truth when he says he’s not right for the job.”²

“A pity. Ah well, next candidate … Elijah the Tishbite. Thoughts?”

“He’s prone to depression, sir. Has been near suicidal, indeed. Plus, he has a habit of aggravating the government.”

“Really? Aggravating how?”

“Mainly by slaughtering large numbers of official prophets … did you not hear about the incident on Mount Carmel?”

“Oh dear, Blenkinsopp. That was our applicant?”

“Afraid so, sir.”

“How did he get away with it?”

“By also slaughtering the soldiers they sent after him. Some new-fangled weapon called fire from heaven, or something.”³

“Oh dear oh dear. Shall we move on? Hosea son of Beeri – thoughts?”

“Hosea son of Beeri who married a known prostitute in order to provide a visual aid for his sermon series? I’d question his judgement, sir.”

“All right, that does sound a bit over the top, but can’t we allow a fellow one poor life choice?”

“He has children whose legal names are No-Mercy and Not-My-People. Also as illustrations for his sermon series.”⁴

“All right, moving on … the next candidate is one Jeremiah son of Hilkiah – hey, is that Hilkiah the high priest who rediscovered the book of Torah?⁵ This guy’s bound to be good!”

“One would certainly have thought so, sir…”

“Oh no, Blenkinsopp, what is it now?”

“Have you heard the stuff he preaches? He predicts exile, desolation, defeat … it’s not exactly uplifting. In fact, there are a good number of people who’d like to see him executed for the stuff he comes out with.”

“Well, that seems like a bit of an overreaction. Is it really that bad?”

“Ahem … and I quote: ‘thus says the Lord concerning the sons and daughters who are born in this place, and concerning the mothers who bore them and the fathers who fathered them in this land: They shall die of deadly diseases. They shall not be lamented, nor shall they be buried. They shall be as dung on the surface of the ground. They shall perish by the sword and by famine, and their dead bodies shall be food for the birds of the air and for the beasts of the earth.’”⁶

“Hmm, yes, that is quite … strongly worded, isn’t it?”

“That’s just the tip of the iceberg, sir. I’ve got dozens of pages here of similar stuff he’s said.”

“Right. Maybe not, then … Jonah son of Amittai? Another write-off, I suppose?”

“Actually, sir, this one seems quite promising.”

“Really? You’re serious?”

“Certainly. The man once persuaded an entire city of pagans to repent from their sins in sackcloth and ashes, in merely a day’s work.”

“Goodness me, Blenkinsopp, that’s impressive. Let’s call and offer him an interview right away.”

“Unfortunately we can’t, sir.”

“Whyever not?”

“We can’t get hold of him. He seems to have suddenly left the country at short notice. It’s a habit of his, apparently.”7

Was it a whale that swallowed Jonah, or a massive fish of a variety that actually counts as a fish according to modern taxonomy? The Hebrew text allows for either.

“Bother. Oh well, next candidate … a chap called Daniel.”

“Again, could be promising … he’s a capable man, well educated, from a good family, not bad looking – ”

“That’s hardly relevant, Blenkinsopp.”

“Of course, sir, just mentioning it. His references are impressive as well: he’s enjoyed the favour of some of the greatest kings of his era. Admittedly there was a spot of legal trouble to do with a lions’ den at one point, but it’s all been smoothed over now. The only real problem…”

“Oh no, how did I know there was going to be a problem?”

“His ministry is … unusual, sir. He interprets dreams.”

“Oh. That’s a bit … divination-y, isn’t it? A bit pagan. What sort of thing does he preach about?”

“I’m not altogether sure, sir.”

“I thought you’d done your research thoroughly.”

“Oh, I assure you, sir, I have, but I couldn’t make head or tail of what Daniel was saying. All beasts rising out of the sea and horns uprooting other horns and unspecified kings and princes coming to power and particular periods of time.”⁸

“Hmm. Sounds a bit dodgy to me, Blenkinsopp. I’m not sure this chap isn’t one of those crazy types always predicting the end of the world and stuff.”

“I thought you might say that, sir.”

“Moving on, then … next candidate: John son of Zechariah, calls himself the Baptist. What can you tell me about him?”

“Well, he’s certainly got a large popular following.”

“That’s good.”

“Yes. But I’m afraid we can’t give him the job purely for logistical reasons. He insists on carrying out his ministry in the middle of nowhere, and he’ll only accept the job on a temporary basis – no long-term contract or anything – because he’s convinced that someone greater than him is going to show up at any moment and is determined to bow out when he does.”⁹

“Oh dear. We’re nearly at the bottom of the list, Blenkinsopp.”

“Who’s next, sir?”

“Saul – no wait, Paul. It’s been crossed out and rewritten. What’s he like?”

“Comes across very well on paper, sir, very bold and intelligent, but he’s far less impressive in person. And he doesn’t half go on. There was one time he was rabbiting on until literally midnight, and didn’t care that people were falling asleep. One lad was so deeply asleep he actually fell out of the window and died.”

“Goodness me! Why didn’t we hear about that?”

“Oh, there was some sort of cover-up; I think Paul resurrected the kid or something.”¹⁰

“Well, regardless, we can’t be having that sort of nonsense. Oh dear, there’s only one candidate left. What do you think of this Jesus of Nazareth fellow?”

“Well, again, he’s popular. Crowds show up wherever he goes. And he can seriously hold his own in a theological debate: you must have come across that ‘Render unto Caesar’ put-down.”

“Oh yes, I remember! Worth giving him a call, then?”

“I don’t know, sir. The stuff he comes out with … he tells all these little stories about farmers and servants and things like that, all very relatable, except he never explains them. He just chucks them at people and then disappears off with his inner circle – a bit exclusivising, if you ask me. The other day he told the crowd that they had no life in them unless they ate his flesh and drank his blood.”

“What on earth does that mean?”

“I haven’t the faintest idea, sir. He lost himself a lot of followers with that one. Wouldn’t take constructive feedback about clarity and sensitivity, though – just asked everyone else if they also wanted to leave.”

“He must think rather a lot of himself.”

“I think he does, sir. He talks about himself a lot. He’s made some pretty outrageous claims about himself, actually – that he can forgive sins, offer people eternal life, that sort of thing.”

“Isn’t that blasphemy?”

“It is, sir. A lot of respected religious leaders think this chap is a full-blown devil-worshipper, actually.”¹¹

“Oh no, Blenkinsopp, what are we going to do? We’ve been through the whole list of candidates and haven’t found one preacher who might be able to do the job.”

“What exactly is the job, sir?”

“Hmm? Oh, well, it’s a preaching job, isn’t it? You know what preaching is – religious oratory, basically.”

“Well, yes, sir, but … what exactly is it that the successful applicant will be able to preach?”

“ … I can’t quite remember. Wasn’t it something about good news?”

“Hang on, I’ll see if I’ve got it in my notes anywhere…”

“Any joy?”

“No.”

“Shame.”

“Sir…”

“Yes, Blenkinsopp?”

“Do you think maybe we ought to have another look at the job description and see what it actually says?”

“Do you know, Blenkinsopp, I think maybe we ought…”

Footnotes

¹ Namely this one: https://www.memesforjesus.com/blogs/community/a-search-for-a-pastor-during-bible-times. Memes for Jesus is all varieties of hilarious and I highly recommend chucking a Facebook like in their direction.

² I here reference Exodus 4 and Numbers 12. Check out the Exodus: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=exodus+4&version=ESVUK. Moses really did not want that job.

³ See 1 Kings 18-19 and 2 Kings 1. I’ll get you started: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+kings+18&version=ESVUK.

⁴ That’s all out of Hosea 1: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=hosea+1&version=ESVUK.

⁵ Hard to believe that a document so utterly critical to the nation’s existence had been lost so as to have to be rediscovered, but there you go: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Kings+22&version=ESVUK. Not everyone agrees that this was the same Hilkiah who fathered Jeremiah, incidentally, hence the slight ambiguity in the way I phrased my little sketch. (I do think about these things, you know.)

⁶ That particular bit is from Chapter 16, which the ESV subtitles ‘Famine, Sword, and Death’, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jeremiah+16&version=ESVUK, but much of the book will give you a similar vibe.

⁷ All right, so the book of Jonah only has him suddenly flee abroad the once, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jonah+1&version=ESVUK, but I had to come up with a reason for sir and Blenkinsopp to reject Jonah and thought that was a moderately amusing one. My point is that Jonah was arguably the most successful prophet in the whole of the Old Testament, despite the fact that he was the most disobedient. God does what he wants, kids.

⁸ I here allude to too many bits of the book of Daniel to pick out particular references, but I’ll give you the first chapter and you can go on a hunt from there if you wish: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=daniel+1&version=ESVUK.

⁹ Matthew 3, Mark 1, Luke 1 and 3, and John 1 are all relevant here. Have the John, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+1&version=ESVUK, because why not.

¹⁰ I here draw particularly on Acts 9, 2 Corinthians 10, and, for that fun little story about the guy falling out of the window, Acts 20: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+20&version=ESVUK.

¹¹ Allusions in this section include, but are not limited to, Matthew 22/Mark 12/Luke 20; John 6; Matthew 9/Mark 2/Luke 5; and Matthew 12/Mark 3/Luke 11. On the John 6 reference, see also this very good Adam4d cartoon: http://adam4d.com/flesh-blood/. Oh, and before I go I should offer a tip of the hat to the BlackAdder Scripts blog for saving me some hassle with my opening quotation: http://allblackadderscripts.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/blackadder-iv-episode-3-major-star.html.