Hats

“Without Peggy, I would have been a tad nervous. For the first time in my life, I was moving into the sort of place which people might actually want to come and visit. A proper, grown-up little house, with wooden floors, and things estate agents delight in calling ‘period features’. The sort of place that cried out for little tea lights in little glass holders, and African art that you can say you got on a safari but was actually from the local market, and a vintage hat stand. Which will only ever be used for coats and scarves and possibly towels, because who on earth has enough hats these days to justify a stand? What kind of quasi-Victorian loon has the seven hats required to fully occupy a whole multi-pronged piece of furniture?”

Miranda Hart, Peggy & Me (2016)

It isn’t saying much to remark that the above quotation made me laugh when I read it; Miranda Hart always makes me laugh, after all. But I did, I hazard, laugh at it more, and with a greater sense of irony, than the average reader, because I do own a hat stand – an arguably vintage one, too – which, although it also accommodates its fair share of coats and scarves, is now so full of hats that I’m starting to wonder whether I ought to get another one. (I’ve got a lot more than seven hats, probably twice that.) Look, here it is:

 

Not that you can see much of the stand itself under all the hats...

My housemates bought it for me the Christmas before last, and there’s a fun story that comes with that, but for the moment, what I’m interested in doing is setting out a few of the reasons why I think hats are excellent. Aware as I am that the tendency to own and wear a lot of hats has, as Miranda insinuates, largely died out in the present age, I’d be very pleased to see it revived: it entails numerous advantages. Here are six of the most obvious ones I can think of.

1)    Hats look well stylish.

I mean, this obviously isn’t true for all hats on all people in all circumstances, but it’s certainly the case that a well-chosen hat can transform a good outfit into a great one. A hat is the kind of accessory that says, I put some real thought into what I’m wearing today, even if you actually didn’t. Hats are classy. And classy, when it comes to clothes, is just about the highest thing one can aim to achieve.

2)   They’re a useful protective layer.

A hat can keep your head warm, or it can shield your eyes from the sun. It keeps the rain off. If you wear glasses, like my myopic self, all the better: pick one with a decent brim, and you needn’t worry about the lenses getting too droplet-y to see through in anything less than a Major Downpour. Likewise with snow, which earlier this year proved to be more relevant a concern than it usually is for my little corner of the world.¹ Blame global warming, I guess.

3)    They can double up as other useful items.

Notably, turn one upside down, and you’ve got a handy vessel for everything from donations from the audience at a street performance, to descriptions of scenes for the cast of Whose Line Is It Anyway? to act out.² Personally, I’ve used hats of mine to draw lots as to which of my New Testament Greek students is going to read or translate next – just to keep them on their toes, you know. As well as vessels, though, certain hats can function, in a pinch, as fans, wasp-swatting implements, hiding places for small objects, and more. Endless possibilities.

4)   They make you easier to spot in a crowd.

Granted, I have an advantage on this front anyway, what with my gargantuan height, but the hats are definitely a factor too. The ease of congregating around my hat definitely helped our group to avoid being accidentally separated at Disneyland Paris, for instance, and I can’t remember how many times someone has said to me, Oh, I knew it was you as soon as I saw a tall person wearing a hat.

5)    They mean bad hair days pose no threat.

Don’t like the way your hair has arranged itself while you were sleeping? Cover it up with a hat! Have to take your hat off later in the day? Blame your hat for messing up your hair! Foolproof.

6)   They’re helpful for adhering to the instructions about head coverings in 1 Corinthians 11.³

All right, this one’s just for the ladies: speaking from experience, it’s really very easy to make sure you’ve got your head covered when you’re prophesying or praying if you always have a hat about your person anyway. Really it’s just a case of leaving your hat on at the appropriate moments, rather than having to contrive a covering specially.

So you can call me a quasi-Victorian loon if you like, Ms. Hart, but I have to say I’m rather set on continuing to accumulate and wear lovely hats. If others see fit to join me in this habit, great; and if they don’t, then never mind: let’s be real here, it’s no nuisance to me if I’m destined to be the classiest, most easily spottable, least-rain-affected person in any given room, is it now?

Footnotes

¹ This clip of Chris Addison talking about how English people react to snow, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1Dq_aINJ9U, is one of my absolute favourite things that ever happened on Mock the Week.

² Like this for instance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ogrc7-XU2wQ.

³ Here’s the chapter in all its confusingness: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+11&version=ESVUK.