Shannon: Well, are you guys going to the dance this weekend, or do
you still not have a boyfriend?
Natalie: Er, Mal’s never had a boyfriend,
because boys aren’t very attracted to her –
Mallory: Sing it!
Natalie: – physically or personality-wise!
Mallory: Oh yeah, I’m plain and dull, Shannon, deal with it!
Studio C, ‘Mean
Girls’ (2014)1
 |
| This is a suitably romantic picture, right? |
Her: Hey, um, listen – I’ve been thinking about that last conversation
of ours…
Me: Yeah, me too, actually.
Her: Really? Wow. Shall we slot in a suggestion here that your
readers might like to go and have a scan of that one for context before they
proceed any further with this one? Because otherwise, this one isn’t going to
make any sense at all.2
Me: You just did.
Her: So I did. Well, back to the matter at hand, then, I’ve been
thinking about that last conversation of ours, and I’ve been thinking – do you
really hate me that much?
Me: Um –
Her: Because, you know, you’re allowed and all; heck, you’re
entitled to hold whichever opinions you please about the little facets of
personality and thinking that hang out in your brain; you’re the boss, at the
end of the day, however we might cause trouble and make it blooming difficult
for you to act like it; but honey, some of what you said was really harsh.
Me: Um, yeah –
Her: And I get that you have to be that harsh with those of us
hanging about up here who are relentlessly, irredeemably given over to causing
you to walk according to the flesh instead of the spirit,3 but I
hadn’t realised that you put me in that category. I knew you thought I
was annoying and all, but I also thought you knew that I really do want the
best for you.
Me: Um, yeah, I –
Her: Because I’m not inherently bad. It’s not a sin to want a
romantic relationship. That sort of thinking was the mistake of early Christian
ascetics who spurned anything vaguely resembling a material pleasure in the
name of achieving a purer sort of spirituality – and that’s not a Biblical
idea; it’s a Neoplatonist one draped with a veneer of Christian-ness.4
The flesh/spirit divide isn’t about immaterial stuff being inherently better
than material stuff; on the contrary, material stuff is good and to be received
with thanksgiving.5
Me: Um, yeah, I know, honey.
Her: You what?
Me: I know. I’ve also been thinking about that last
conversation of ours, and I’ve also been thinking that I was a bit harsh. I was
a bit … reactionary. I made a good point, but I made it with excessive
vehemence. I don’t really hate you that much.
Her: Really? I’m so pleased to hear that, honey. I assume this means
you’ll be taking my suggestions a bit more seriously from now on?
Me: Ah. Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Her: How many times do I have to tell you, the fact remains, if you
want a romantic relationship, you’re going to have to form an attraction to
somebody, and because you’re naturally completely rubbish at that, you’re going
to need my help in order to –
Me: Whoa, whoa. Backpedal a bit. Why, pray tell, is forming an
attraction to somebody an automatic prerequisite for having a romantic
relationship?
Her: Well, it – it just is. What are you suggesting, that you’d
be prepared to marry someone you had literally no chemistry with? That sounds
like a recipe for disaster.
Me: But for most of human history, in most human cultures, it’s
been perfectly normal to marry people for reasons other than being
uncontrollably head-over-heels in love with them. It’s been perfectly normal to
look for a potential match within your limited social circle, and pick one you
think would be a decent sort of human being to spend the rest of your life with
– probably relying to a large extent on the suggestions of your parents,
incidentally.
Her: Oh, honey, shut up. Arranged marriage? Seriously?6
Me: I’m just pointing out that your idea that substantial romantic
attraction must necessarily precede any initiation of a romantic relationship
is not a universal one. And even if it’s pretty pervasive in our society in
terms of the stories we tell, it isn’t pervasively practised in real
life. How is being introduced to someone with a view to considering whether you
might like to marry him or her, really that different to, say, being set up, or
even using a dating app?
Her: But –
Me: And, just to put some icing on that cake, marrying someone for
a reason other than having fallen head-over-heels with that person is also very
Biblical. That chapter I quoted at length last time to prove that
singleness is the ideal also says the following: “because of the temptation to
sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own
husband.”7 It doesn’t sound terribly glamorous, but ‘because of the
temptation to sexual immorality’ is actually a perfectly good, Biblical reason
to seek a spouse. And let’s be real here, you live in my head; you know that
that’s a reason that applies to me as much as most people.
 |
| Some very skilful icing on a rather appropriate cake. |
Her: But – I mean –
Me: And finally, consider this: if it’s truly your ambition to get
me into a romantic relationship, wouldn’t it make your life easier to have that
prerequisite of substantial romantic attraction removed? You spend all your
time trying to get past that obstacle, and I don’t make it easy for you;
suppose you could bypass it altogether.
Her: But – I mean – if we were to bypass it, and skip straight
to trying to form a romantic relationship without cultivating the attraction
first – what would that actually look like, in practical terms? How would you
go about it? What would you do?
Me: Well, I don’t know, do I? I don’t deal with that sort of thing.
I thought that was your job.
Her: Oh. Um, yes, well, I suppose it is sort of my remit, really –
nobody else up here seems to have any ideas, at any rate – but – but, honestly,
honey, I don’t actually know either.
Me: Huh. I suspected as much.
Her: See, if you could just cultivate an actual romantic attraction
for someone, I’d know what to do…
Me: Of course you would. Confessing romantic feelings is easy.
Well, it’s not easy, but it’s at least straightforward. The course of
action to take is obvious. I don’t need your help to figure that one out.
Her: So here we are again. You have no need of me. You have no desire
to ever pay me any attention. Turns out you do hate me that much after all.
Me: Nah, I don’t. I agree with what you said about yourself: you’re
not inherently bad. It’s not a sin to want a romantic relationship. Nor is it a
sin – and I think this is a key thing that needs tempering or nuancing about
what I said last time – to take actions designed to help you get one.
Her: Well, that’s obvious. Nobody would ever end up in a romantic
relationship if nobody was prepared to do anything to make that happen.
Me: Yeah, it is obvious, but I think I slightly implied last time
that the only non-sinful approach to the matter is to wait for a romantic
relationship to just fall on you from the sky or something. What was it I said – “I
do not need your so-called help to attempt to engineer things one way or the
other”?
Her: Uh-huh, that was it.
Me: Yeah, that was potentially not brilliantly phrased. The major
thing that I’m getting at there is that singleness is a valid and desirable
option, which you refuse to acknowledge as such. And what I’m also suggesting
on the side is that your particular manner of attempting to help engineer the
alternative option is not very helpful – because, as we’ve just seen, it relies
on one specific route to entering a romantic relationship, namely forming an
attraction which might then be confessed. Ironic that the only route you can
come up with is one to which I am not by nature at all readily disposed. The
world calls what I’m like ‘demisexual’, apparently, but I personally consider
the usefulness of labels in this sphere to be quite limited.8
Her: All right, honey, so the situation is, I’m a bit rubbish but you
don’t mind me sticking around as long as I behave myself?
Me: Quite. Frankly, there are few facets of personality and
thinking hanging about in my brain about which I’m any more positive than that.
Count yourself privileged.
Her: But if you don’t want me to help in the only way I know how, why
exactly is it that you want me around?
Me: You know that point you made earlier about Neoplatonism? That
was a nice one. You can keep doing that sort of thing. You can even keep trying
to persuade me that it would be a good idea to pursue a romantic relationship,
if you like, but you’re probably going to have to come up with some practical
advice as to how if you want anything to happen on that front.
Her: You’re still on the fence about whether you want one, then.
Me: Pros and cons, honey, pros and cons. It is still true
that whether I ever have one or not, everything that happens will be for my
good and God’s glory. He may spare me temptation or he may grant me the
strength to resist it; either way, my duty is the same: to seek his kingdom
first, to love him and my neighbour. At some stage, it may prove to be a good
and prudent manifestation of that duty to pursue a romantic relationship.
Her: “A good and prudent manifestation of that duty”? Dear me, honey,
could you have phrased that sentiment any less romantically?
Me: I doubt I could. Separated from you, I’m not sure I’ve got a properly
romantic bone in my body – and you never know, my romantic side may come in
useful at some point. Stick around, honey; I may have need of you yet.
Footnotes
1 I love this sketch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vm1AI3lp0Fo.
The quotation doesn’t actually fit this post that well in terms of the actual
sentiment expressed, but it’s so funny and I really wanted to stick it in my
blog at some point.
2 You’re looking under ‘2017’ then ‘December’
in the box on the right.
3 You know, I sometimes forget just
how much there is in Romans 8: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+8&version=ESVUK.
4 Check out the paragraph beginning
‘the view that one ought to deny one’s lower desires’ in this article, for
instance: https://www.britannica.com/topic/asceticism#ref150035.
5 This concern is addressed by Paul
in 1 Timothy 4: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Timothy+4&version=ESVUK.
Note that he specifically identifies marriage as a good thing in this category,
and the requirement of abstinence from marriage as a false teaching.
6 Here’s a really interesting
article about a lady who created a board game based on arranged marriage and
received some surprising reactions: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-43376355.
Some credit is owed here for my last point in the next paragraph, too.
7 It’s 1 Corinthians 7, of course: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+cor+7&version=ESVUK.
8 Here’s a pretty accurate and
readable intro if you’re unfamiliar with the term: https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/demisexuality-what-is-it-sex-orientation-emotional-relationships-physical-a7912661.html.
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