How Not Going to Church Worked Out For Me

Alex:                Did you find Abuelita?

Penelope:        Yeah, she’s with Jesus now.

Elena & Alex: What?!

Penelope:        No, no! Sorry! She’s at church. Poor choice of words.

One Day at a Time S1 E3, ‘No Mass’ (2017)¹

This is a sculpture in the Forest of Dean by Kevin Atherton, called ‘Cathedral’. Relevance will become apparent later. Thanks to DeFacto on Wikimedia Commons, who uploaded this photo under the conditions specified here: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/.

Disclaimer: Although the emails and text messages quoted below are direct transcriptions – given in italics, with omissions indicated by […] – the in-person conversations are necessarily not, reliant as they are on my own memories of them and, insofar as I remember the sentiment conveyed more than the words that conveyed it, my own instinctive manner of phrasing things. I have made some phrasing decisions deliberately for the sake of narrative flow. I have also, in the interests of privacy, given initials rather than names in all instances except my own name, but if you recognise yourself any in the interactions described below and feel I am unfairly misrepresenting what you said on the occasion in question, please do get in touch and we’ll see about correcting that. Otherwise, on with the show.

*

Emails, 10/01/2019 – 18/01/2019

Hi Anne,

Happy New year!

Hope this email finds you well.

Just a quick email to see whether you were planning on coming back to camp this year? We’d love to have you back again! […]

Thanks

B

B,

Happy new year to you too!

I am intending to come back to camp this year, just haven’t got round to filling the form in yet … I’ll get on to that :)

Best wishes,

Anne

B,

Me again … I’ve run into a spot of bother filling in the application form. Since last year I’ve developed some slightly left-field views on ecclesiology,² so that I’m no longer happy being part of an institutionalised church with particular people in charge of it, which makes answering the questions about my church and church leader a bit impossible. (Don’t worry about me, by the way, because I’m still fellowshipping with other believers, hearing teaching, etc., and honestly I’ve never been more determined in my pursuit of holiness; it’s just that the necessity of meeting together is being played out for me in more informal settings.) Sorry for kicking up a fuss; how do you suggest I respond to these questions?

Thanks and best wishes,

Anne

Hi Anne,

Thanks for the email and sorry for my delayed reply.

I wonder if the easiest thing might be to have a quick chat on the phone.

Happy to call you if you let me know some times that might suit.

Thanks very much

B

(Extract from) subsequent phone conversation, 24/01/2019

B:        So how will you answer if one of the teenagers on camp asks you which church you go to?

Me:      I’ll say I fellowship with other believers more informally.

B:        What do you think a teenager who heard you say that might think?

Me:      Well, I don’t know. They might think, oh hey, brilliant, turns out I don’t have to go to church! Or they might think, ah, OK, sure, legit. Or they might think, that’s weird, tell me more.

B:        I think more likely one of the first two … The key thing is, we want to be encouraging these young people to be discipled, and a massive part of that is encouraging them to go to church and youth group. Is that something you’re going to have a problem with?

Me:      Look, I’m not going to be telling anyone not to be fellowshipping. The really important thing is that they’re meeting with other Christians, whatever that looks like.

B:        Do you think Nicolaism as you understand it is a heresy?

Me:      Yes.

B:        OK, so, how then is it that you’re still OK to partner with us on camp?

Me:      Well, you know, it’s not a salvation issue–

B:        How do you mean, not a salvation issue?

Me:      As in, getting this wrong isn’t going to threaten your salvation.

B:        The definition of a heresy is false teaching that does threaten your salvation.

Me:      Oh. Sorry – I’m not much cop at theological terminology. In that case, no, I don’t think it’s a heresy. At the end of the day, we agree on the gospel, and that’s what we’re trying to communicate to these young people, and so whatever else we disagree on, I’m happy to join in that work.

(Extract from) conversation at 1-to-1 Bible study, 13/05/2019

A:        So what’s next?

Me:      As in…?

A:        Well, this is our last ever 1-to-1 Bible study, and I know you’ve not been going to St. Leonard’s for a while, so what’s next for you in terms of Christian fellowship?

Me:      Fellowship is actually brilliant for me at the moment – I’ve got Women’s Bible Study on Wednesday mornings of course, and then there’s a whole bunch of us that meet up on campus to study the Bible and pray and break bread and do sung worship at various times in the week, and we also kind of have a little four-person house church going on where we read the Bible and pray for each other and really share our lives with each other … Yeah, it’s going really well, I’m getting loads of fellowship, growing a lot.

A:        That’s great. I’m really pleased to hear that. And even though we’re not 1-to-1-ing any more, it would be lovely to meet up for coffee every so often.

Me:      Yes, definitely.

(Extract from) conversation in a pub, 10/05/2019

Me:      Well, I guess people are just busy. Most of us do a lot of Christian stuff, they’ve got other priorities, that’s fine.

E:        Well, yeah, but you know … People always talk about it like that: you’ve got to prioritise, you can’t do everything, you can’t be everyone’s best friend, you’ve got to decide what and who you invest in. But is that really how Jesus did things? And since when did God only ask for part of our time? We talk about needing ‘me-time’, but shouldn’t we really be willing to sacrifice that for the sake of building up the Church? Isn’t that kind of what denying yourself and taking up your cross means?³ And if we’re really loving one another, then surely church stuff should be something that recharges you, rather than something you can only do so much of before you need to take some ‘me-time’ to recharge?

Me:      Yeah. It really should. Maybe we should start something, then. Something where there aren’t a billion jobs to do, where we just meet, and where we really talk about what’s going on in our lives and we’re really, really committed to loving one another – where we love each other to the extent that it doesn’t feel like one more commitment in the week, but something way more positive. And then maybe people could go back out and do their other Christian stuff with a refreshed passion for the gospel that causes them to help bring that other Christian stuff more in line with what scripture says it should be.

 (Extract from) conversation in Oxford university parks, early June 2019

Me:      The thing is, last term, it was so brilliant, you know, we were doing so much, and I felt like, this is what church should be like – well, not completely, but definitely a start on the right trajectory – and I was so excited to see everyone start exercising their giftings (you included, bro, you’re seriously gifted to teach), but then it turned out that all this stuff that was core for me was peripheral for everyone else, and we hit the summer term and the routine got disrupted and it all fell out from under me. Everyone went back to just doing their own core stuff, Sunday services and that, and it just all fell out from under me.

B:⁴       I just feel like I want to say I’m sorry. We should have done better for your sake.

Me:      I didn’t mean to blame you guys–

B:        No, we should have done better. We knew you weren’t in mainstream church and so what we were doing on campus and stuff was really important for you, and so, as your brothers and sisters, we should have been there for you, and we weren’t.

Me:      Gosh. Thanks. I usually think I’m just being an idiot and shooting myself in the foot.

B:        Even if that were true, though, we should have been looking out for you and making sure we didn’t leave you not getting any fellowship. That’s our job as the Church. So yeah, I’m sorry.

Me:      Wow. Thank you. I really appreciate that. That means a lot. I’m feeling quite emosh right now, actually.

(Extract from) Women’s Bible Study session, 03/07/2019

L:        How can we be praying for you at the moment, Anne?

Me:      Um … So you guys know I have some pretty unusual views about how church ought to work. Well, right now I’m sort of taking another look at what that might look like in practice. So if you could pray that I’d be wise in that, and driven by a zeal for God’s glory, rather than my human desire to be right about stuff or whatever, that would be ace.

(Extract from) post-WBS conversation, 03/07/2019

Me:      …and the thing is, even if I manage to get through this summer and everything picks back up again in the new academic year fellowship-wise, well, we’ll hit the summer term next year and … it’ll all just fall out from under me again.

L:        Oh Anne. Come here, lovely.

(Extract from) conversation at home, early July 2019

Me:      Aw man. I think I’m going to have to start going to church again.

M:       Ooh. Juicy.

Me:      Shut up.

(Extract from) conversation in a café, 13/07/2019

S:         Do you ever just imagine what it would be like if we just met together and didn’t put anyone in charge and didn’t prepare anything and sought the Lord and waited to see what he did?

Me:      Yeah. Yeah, I imagine that all the time. And then I stop, because it makes me sad.

S:         One day, we’ll do that.

(Extract from) conversation at home, 13/07/2019

Me:      Are you going to church tomorrow?

M:       Yeah.

Me:      Which one?

M:       Calvary.

Me:      OK. I’m going to come too.

(Extract from) conversation in the Forest of Dean,⁵ 20/07/2019

Me:      …and so I think what I needed to get past was the idea that deciding to go to church, as it were – yuck, I hate the expression ‘going to church’ – somehow meant giving up on the whole big idea of what I think church ought to be like. At the end of the day, I need fellowship and I’ve got to get it however I can get it. And right now I only seem to be able to get it by going to mainstream church, so if I do that for the moment, it doesn’t mean I’ve, like, failed. OK, you’ve been smiling away for like the past ten minutes I’ve been talking. What are you thinking?

O:        I’ve just been thanking Jesus a lot for showing you all this stuff you’ve been saying.

(Extract from) conversation on camp, 11/08/2019

Z:         So what do you think of the new service pattern at St. Leonard’s?

Me:      Um, I’m actually kind of not at St. Leonard’s any more…

Z:         Ooh, controversial! Where are you at now?

Me:      I’ve been fellowshipping more informally, on campus and in houses and stuff.

Z:         Ah, OK, sure. Legit.

Texts, 10/09/2019

S:         You’re going to Calvary?! x

Me:      Um. Sort of. Have been 3 times

S:         M is so dropping you in it right now […]

Apparently you’ve joined the worship band!

Me:      That’s not actually true! For starters there isn’t one. But this lady who leads the music sometimes asked if I might be up for doing some harmonies some time. If she decides my voice is OK :P And I guess I said yes to that.

Point is, if I’m going to church I want to be involved. I’m not there to be a consumer, y’know. I just wish I had enough else going on in the way of fellowship that I didn’t have to go. ’Cause the compromise really grates.

S:         I’m winding you up in cahoots with M … On a serious note, I get it – I feel the same way … x

WhatsApp messages, 22/09/2019

O:        Anne, I am sorry if this comes across as blunt or strong … I feel like I can be blunt with you :P I don’t want to offend! I feel like it would be helpful to reflect on which bible verses are telling you to go to church versus which bible verses are telling you that you shouldn’t go? Our feelings & level of motivation is not the same as truth. Our feelings can lie.

Church may not be the type/amount of fellowship that you need right now. But you need fellowship of some sort & it is definitely something we should be doing as Christians. I just don’t want any lies to prevent you from spending time with God & encouragement from other believers x

I love you & that message is coming from a place of true concern for your faith journey! I hope you know that <3

Me:      Oh gosh of course I know that … Be as blunt as you like, I know you’d only ever do it in love and sometimes (read: often) I’m an idiot and need to hear it. And you’re right, I do need to not listen to my feelings on this.

As of this morning I am on the music rota at Calvary. We’re gonna do harmonies and it’s gonna be freaking lit.

If I seem to you as if I’m a bit all over the place on this issue, well, yeah, I seem that way to me too. Writing a blog post about it now. Mind if I quote some of what you said above in it?

Footnotes

¹ Thanks owed to the friend who introduced me to One Day at a Time earlier this year. It’s a lot of fun, so if you’re looking for a new sitcom to get into, worth checking out: https://www.netflix.com/title/80095532.

² See my series ‘Those Pesky Nicolaitans’ from June and July last year.

³ Mark 8, but you already knew that: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark+8&version=ESVUK. This is an insane demand Jesus makes of his followers. But the promise attached to it is just as insane. Put your fleshly self to death in Jesus’ name, and you’ll inherit everlasting life. There is no currency that can buy back human souls but his blood.  

⁴ Not the same B as earlier. All the other initial repeats refer to the same individual, though.

⁵ We did the sculpture trail: https://www.forestofdean-sculpture.org.uk/. Only found like two-thirds of the sculptures, but it was a top-notch catch-up so I didn’t mind a bit.